Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
