Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
