i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
