u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
