I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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