A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
