It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
