I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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