I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
