Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
