Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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