I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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