I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
