Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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