I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Me. At least after what I've been through.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
