i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
