Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
