I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
