I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
