You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
