and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
