my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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