So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Boobs speak an international language.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
