he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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