note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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