my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
