I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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