I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
