He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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