Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's always time for handjobs
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
