We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
