i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
