I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I forget how to act sober
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
