I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
