Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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