I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
