I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
