And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
