Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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