i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
