So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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