I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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