just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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