Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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