he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
