I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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