Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
