Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Four minutes until I can fart!
they're like a gay fantastic four
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize