Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
