there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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