It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize