Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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