I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
