I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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