I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
is wine microwaveable?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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