There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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