I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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