Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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