Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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