I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
