I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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